by Brent Sophocles
June 06, 2007
I'm a man, and I like yogurt. That's it, plain and simple. So you and the other office workers can all stop looking at me funny when I tell you guys what I had for breakfast.
You know, this is the type of regressive attitude I'd expect in Texas. But not here. What the hell is wrong with eating yogurt if you're a man? And I'm not talking about some sort of garnish you get on Asian cuisine or in a gyro. I'm talking fruit-filled breakfast yogurt: blueberry, strawberry, banana. Hey, why are you laughing when I say banana? Oh. Very mature. Well, for your information, I also happen to like peach.
Why is there all this animosity toward yogurt? I'll tell you why. Because there's a bunch of douchebags on Madison Avenue advertising yogurt as the sole domain of women. It's a freaking breakfast food! How does it have a gender? Some suit and tie puts an ad model in a leotard doing yoga with wind chimes in the background, and in the next scene, she's daintily enjoying a yogurt while reading the Land's End catalog. And you idiots buy it hook, line and sinker.
Me caveman, yogurt bad; head for the mountains of Busch beer! Me cavewoman, oooooh yogurt good, make me more pretty! I bet Wendy in payroll, you know, the one with all the troll dolls and Cats tickets around her computer? I bet she has her fridge stocked with the stuff.
Remember when you were a kid? I bet you liked yogurt. I'm sure you ate it by the truckload. So what happened between then and now? I'm pretty sure the yogurt didn't change much. I'll tell you what did happen, though. You turned your back on yogurt. That's fine. It's your decision. I guess you're such an adult male that it's not possible to eat yogurt. Just like in junior high school when you stopped eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because lunchmeat was the grown-up thing to do. Nevermind you didn't like the taste. But tell me this, have you ever been to TCBY? Hypocrite! That's frozen yogurt!
I'm sure you're not aware of all the health benefits from eating yogurt. Did you know it can reduce your chances of getting a yeast infection? Yes, men can get them, too! With that said, it's probably a good thing I've been downing Dannon, since I've been trolling bowling alleys for anonymous heterosexual sex lately.
So go ahead and laugh. I'm going to weather the p.r. storm against yogurt-eating men. I'm going to sit around in my salmon-colored polo shirt and enjoy a Yoplait in the breakfast nook because I'm secure in my masculinity. If you don't like it, go to hell.
You can pry this yogurt from my cold dead hands, which will probably be cold from the container's temperature.