by Brent Sophocles
Nov. 27, 2008
Oh man! These are like the best burgers in the world, Carlos. It's sweet knowing the waitress is bringing them here. I'm not kidding these burgers will make you stop and think after you take a bite. Sometimes I think the restaurant might have hidden cameras to capture the response and then use it in an ad campaign. I don't know how they'd work out the consent angle, but nevermind, here's the beef!
Don't mind me, I'm going to dig right in.
What?! What's the problem, Carlos? Am I doing something funny?
Ha f'ing ha. It's so hilarious to watch me bite into a giant, unwieldy burger, isn't it Carlos? You know why I do that? This nation was built by men who always bit off more than they could chew, even if it meant scalding their tongues on flame-grilled burgers because they had no room left in their mouths. That's why I do it. And you know what? They never picked up the tab either.
So you think I should use this dull, enlarged butter knife to cut my sandwich into manageable portions? I think not. Sure, maybe if it were razor sharp. But this knife? It's ceremonial at best. It's really only good for pointing at people across the table during a business lunch and saying, "that's a good point" to show you are an active leader in corporate communications.
Besides, dude, I'm already drinking raspberry iced tea. It's because I like drinking raspberry iced tea. But drinking the raspberry iced teach in addition to using the bitch knife sends off a bad vibe. You know, the gay one. And it doesn't matter how many knives you point at people after you send that one out. So, yeah. No bitch knife for me.
Carlos, I don't care how "bitch knife" sounds. Misogynist? Dude. I am not, obviously since Shannon left me because I was allegedly completely needy, and had too many Toad the Wet Sprocket albums, and really creeped her out by trying to sentimentally mimic a Barilla pasta commercial by leaving spaghetti at her door step and watching her apartment from across the street to see if she would cook it. A more emotionally in-tune dude I could not be.
Give me a break, man. It's the bitch knife because it reminds me of her, and how she would cut her sandwiches into bits, like she was English or something. And you know, since she's a bitch, and she used that knife...you do the math. Do you want me to keep talking about her, or do you want to enjoy the rest of our weekly burger time together?
Fine, we'll leave it at that. Let's get back to these business proposals, where I can use the knife for its proper function: nonverbally highlighting main ideas to prove I'm paying attention.