by Clockwork Carruthers
July 24, 2006
ATHENS, OH--
27 year old Lucas Kermwater, affectionately known to the other graduate students as "Kermit," didn't know what was going on. Barely audible through pounds of bloody gauze, Kermit spoke, "I dunno what happun. Awe I wuhmembuh is dat I was yawnin', and nest fing I knew I was in da hoffpital." Lucas had suffered severe damage to his uvula, literally having it split in half.
Athens Police Chief Chet Prebscott had an idea of what the answer might be. "From the information gathered at the crime scene and from Lucas's testimony, we are led to believe that while he was yawning, a bird flew into his mouth and grabbed his uvula, thinking it was a worm." Boasting over 4 years of experience as a public orator, we knew Prebscott would be a good choice to interview. We just didn't like most of what he had to say about finding the bird, so we just kept his input on this article to a minimum because he was boring as hell.
The bird runs away with the severed remains of Lucas's Uvula.
Underground Nincompoop Blogger Clockwork Carruthers (of English descent) has redefined the idea of "Quantity, not Quality."