It's A Good Thing Pops Wasn't Alive To Hear This Eulogy

by Clockwork Carruthers
Oct. 24, 2006

I'm pretty sure if Russel Shipman were in attendance of his own funeral, he would have been kvetched and disgruntled. Let us all hope and pray that the phrase "Looking down on us from above" is an aberrant fabrication. Upon hearing this eulogy, I was not only displeased with Russel Shipman's son's speech, but was in fact was hostile towards my own son...wondering how any son could publicly orate such imprudence.

I think I'll beat him senseless when I finish this article.

Well attended as one can see, plenty of the friends and family of Russel Shipman heard a few things they maybe shouldn't have.

I don't care who you think you are. Unless you are a comedian with some decent credibility, there are some things you just don't say in front of people, especially when grief is involved...or there is a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist lurking in the shadows. Here are the highlights...

1. My Dad was happy when he was drafted. He expressed his excitement to Mom by telling her some of the love stories that have taken place in Vietnam.
2. When my Dad was living in Vietnam, he used to write to Mom every day, and sneak off with who I believe is my real mom every night. I mean come on, you all out there think I look a little Dean Cain-ish don't you?
3. Every morning, Mom would serve him breakfast on a mirror.
4. When I didn't finish my homework, my dad would say, "Well I didn't finish my prayers," and proceed to throw glass shards and ferret shit at me, only to pray for forgiveness later that night.
5. My Dad, or 'him what died' as I like to call him now, never passed up the opportunity to take me to his favorite restaurant Big Boy's. That's where Aunt Fred works.
6. One time I accidentally found where he hides his gun, and coincidentally where he hides his Victorian Hosiery.
7. Did I mention his hemorroid surgery?

This is no way to speak of a passed Vietnam war hero. I think he at least deserved the polite "I didn't really know my father" or "We didn't always agree on everything...but," type speech. Ok I'm going to go beat up my son. Shame on him for thinking these things!

When Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Clockwork Carruthers dies, he will write his own GD eulogy.