by Clockwork Carruthers
July 4, 2007
NAPERVILLE, IL-- Apparently around 9:15 PM Central Time, a distress signal was sent out in the form of a flare during the intense finale of a pretty damn good fireworks display.
by Clockwork Carruthers
June 18, 2007
Nineteen year old James Telman isn't one to play poker. He isn't one to have an English Bulldog as a pet. He isn't one to play catch with his Pep-Pep and he definitely isn't playing by the man's rules...
He just is.
by Clockwork Carruthers
Dec. 5, 2006
The statistics are finally in for this year's "Monthly Female Productivity Report" and the results are promising. Since the close of the millenium there has been a steady increase in things women can do during their period. More and more women are jumping on the bandwagon of purpose. A press conference by NOW (The National Organization of Women) will be aired live on NPR to convey their results to the public.
by Clockwork Carruthers
Oct. 24, 2006
I'm pretty sure if Russel Shipman were in attendance of his own funeral, he would have been kvetched and disgruntled. Let us all hope and pray that the phrase "Looking down on us from above" is an aberrant fabrication. Upon hearing this eulogy, I was not only displeased with Russel Shipman's son's speech, but was in fact was hostile towards my own son...wondering how any son could publicly orate such imprudence.
by Clockwork Carruthers
Sept. 27, 2006
At 3:15 PM E.T. on September 27, 2006, Terrell Owens released a statement to the press the day following his suicide attempt in an attempt to explain his attempted suicide.
by Clockwork Carruthers
July 30, 2006
NEW ORLEANS--As if it weren't already painful enough for the people in Louisiana to endure the hardships of Katrina, Reggie Bush was holding out for more money. Almost immediately after signing a six year deal with the New Orleans Saints for up to sixty million dollars, Reggie Bush decided to start a new holdout, this time against Yahoo! Sports.
by Clockwork Carruthers
July 28, 2006
The microphone. The guitar. The familiar Canadian smile. That welcoming beard. (The cliche tabular lead to an informative essay). They all belong to Raffi, who has been entertaining children for years and years, and is still seen on VHS tapes in the homes of millions.
by Clockwork Carruthers
July 24, 2006
ATHENS, OH--27 year old Lucas Kermwater, affectionately known to the other graduate students as "Kermit," didn't know what was going on. Barely audible through pounds of bloody gauze, Kermit spoke, "I dunno what happun. Awe I wuhmembuh is dat I was yawnin', and nest fing I knew I was in da hoffpital."
by Clockwork Carruthers
July 18, 2006
SELKIRK, CANADA-- On a bleak street corner in Selkirk, 60 miles north of Winnipeg, Manitoba, is where you'll find your model Americans, only they're not American.