by E. Terrence Vest
Aug. 6, 2006
Fair Millard!
Why do the fates comply to separate our pending bond? Celestial, or terrestrial, the wobbly gait of time has put us on two different paths. To see your wizened face again, I must, dare I say, shove aside the gates that Cerberus so dutifully guards and run like a fugitive slave back into your heart!
I know I am no Abigail Powers Fillmore, but our link goes beyond the structures of the wedded bliss. Besides, your wife is frumpy and has a dishwater countenance...hardly the radiance needed for official state dinners. Her performance before the Viscount of Saxe-Coburg was hardly sufficient, need I remind you.
Imagine us side by side, regaling in witty anectdotes and roasting the good nature of our dearly departed Zachary Taylor, entertaining dignitaries in your map room with fine mulatto-crafted cigars from dank and exotic Cuba!
No subject you cannot tackle with your tedious diplomacy! Oh! To watch you craft out maudlin proposals between obviously disparate factions that have no business agreeing! Why, you end slave trades while admitting states and territories at your every beck and whim! Surely, the world is your bailiwick!
And I will follow, tarrying not to accompany you to the ends of the earth. Whether you celebrate international revelry on the Champs-Elysses, or a quiet post as the Chancellor of the University of Buffalo, my hand will be outstretched to hold yours longingly across the arm of our leather parlor chairs. I remember your last words, uttered into eternity and later etched upon my backyard elm, "The nourishment is palatable." Oh, the commoner would think you spake of the soup before your face, but I know better that you veil a reference unto me. You are my nourishment, fair Millard!
Alas! I wait no more! No crypt will keep the seeds of love from blossom, for our love is durable and I have appropriated a crowbar from the woodshed! I shall bring your monogrammed brandy vase and the latest volumes of Poe to enrich our evenings while you methodically plan your return to the service of our fair country.
And we shall plan a trip to see the Oriental wiles of Japan, which you opened, like my heart, with a prowess heretofor unknown. We can view the world on your giant globe with which the first flames of our passion were so carefully thrown! Fair Millard! Wait no more!
Mr. Vest is a contributor to the Nincomblog. He is an elitist 19th century intellectual who stood accused of aggravated buggery in 1848, but was not brought to trial due to his vice-presidential connections.