by Johnny Guatemala
Jan. 5, 2009
WASHINGTON D.C.--With Barack Obama to be sworn in as President on January 20, media members clamor about the swift rise to power of an African-American man and its historical context. However, other groups are celebrating this election season for a host of other reasons.
Ever quick to bring to light seemingly needless facts, a group of historians--aided by statisticians from Monday Night Football--were quick to point out that obscure states were represented disproportionately in this year's presidential race.
Indeed, with John McCain (Arizona) and Sarah Palin (Alaska) running against Joe Biden (Delaware) and Barack Obama (Hawaii, technically), four states equally scarce in electoral votes and cultural relevance found a common ground in producing high-level political candidates.
Previous political figures have blazed the trail. Bill Clinton's presidential victory in 1992 got people to dust off their atlases and find Arkansas. Voters in 2000 noticed Vice President Dick Cheney listed his home state as Wyoming. However, growing suspicions that Cheney really resided among the sulfur mists of the grave, or perhaps "Parts Unknown" like ex-WWF superstar, The Ultimate Warrior, tempered talks of obscure state relevance.
But with four remote states in the picture, it's obvious for the purposes of this puff piece that a new age in obscure state relevance has come to light.
Delaware, for one, was ecstatic.
"I'm traditionally known as a tax haven that draws corporations and outlet mall shoppers from the Philadelphia metro area. But now with the future vice president hailing from my neck of the woods, I think you'll see me return to a prominence not seen since the Declaration of Independence," said Delaware, noticeably glossing over its lack of any Division I NCAA sports teams.
Arizona, which entered the Union in 1912, has grown quickly despite its lack of natural resources to maintain its inflated population. With one of the nation's largest cities in Phoenix, many believed that Arizona had come into its own, shedding years of obscurity. However, the Grand Canyon State effusively denied that observation.
"Aw shucks. I'm still a sprout compared to some of the other guys out there. New York's old enough to be my grandma, really. Heck, it's not like we have a colonial times historical park or anything. Plus, how can we not be obscure with an excessively large elderly population constantly asking for 1970's over-the-counter medicines which no longer exist?" said Arizona.
In addition, Sarah Palin prompted most people to ask what exactly is going on in Alaska, fueling speculation it may indeed be a frozen version of Arkansas, while Barack Obama, covering all bases, felt compelled to mention his Hawaiian upbringing to fit into the obscure home state debate despite the fact he resides in Illinois.
NBC political commentator Chuck Todd was cynical about the prospects of another lineup highlighting America's backwaters.
"It was rare enough that the president was going to be a senator--the last one being JFK--let alone from one of the far corners of the nation. I guess in the future it's possible that an army brat born in an Okinawa military base with no discernable residential history could face off against the Governor of Maine who was born to illegal immigrants that crossed the Rio Grande to give him citizenship, but it's unlikely," said Todd.