by Johnny Guatemala
Dec. 2, 2007
God is big business. It appears The Almighty has struck again, garnering record third quarter profits according to Wall Street.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average finished strong on the much anticipated performance report, rising 198 and 3/4 points to close above 14,000. Shares in God (NYSE: GOD) spiked 35 points to close at $692.74, rivaling Google (NYSE: GOOG) for peak performance this year. However, while Google remains subject to constant stock split rumors, God is expected to remain a single viable entity, according to spokesman Eusebius the Lesser.
"God has been God for thousands of years, if you can restrict Him to a timeframe. And while He has manifested Himself in various ways to humanity throughout creation, God hasn't changed His approach. Sure, there's always been people advising Him to go with a fresh new outlook, or decrease already bountiful dividends, but He's been steadfast in His original priniciples. Obviously, it's a winning formula, and He intends to keep it up," said Mr. Lesser.
Investors were bullish on The I Am after reviewing favorable indications from Berkshire Hathaway (NYSE: BRK-A) tycoon Warren Buffett. Although the Oracle of Omaha was guarded in his praise of God's recent performance, he commented, "God has always been a perennial blue chipper. His liquidity is at a height unseen since the Middle Ages, and His omniscience, omnipotence and omnipresence comfort investors while providing stable income off increasing dividends."
God's Chief Financial Officer, Peter the Apostle, confirmed that God will increase His dividend for the 83rd consecutive year, yielding $3.19 per share owned.
Peter credited the upswing to increased liquid assets from collection plates, polytheistic shadow companies that funnel donations and sacrifices to His organization, and freed liability after revealing to Catholics that babies no longer inhabit limbo when they die before baptism.
Financial analysts are abuzz with God's next move, citing rumors that the Lord of Hosts may restructure His holdings on Earth, micromanaging through direct intervention. The move would be seen by many as refreshing following a bout of perceived forsakenness resulted in increased geopolitical hostilities and commodities pricing and decreased consumer confidence.
God was unavailable for comment, but has been thought to resent His commodification since His IPO in 1919, seen largely as a response to the ravages of World War I and the Spanish Influenza pandemic.