by Johnny Guatemala
Dec. 10, 2009
PHOENIX--Local Christian Faith Crowley, 22, and future husband Ed Showalter, 23, are set to be married Saturday, months after their college graduation. Any doubt fed to Crowley by her parents, peers, or society in general about early marriage was well regarded by the future paralegal, but couldn't overcome her desire to bang in the marriage covenant with Showalter, possibly in a makeshift door harness at an old motel.
Crowley feigned interest in other honeymoon activities to cover for the fact that she would spend most of the vacation pinned under or around something amid coitus. "There's a really great pool at our honeymoon resort and it even has a basketball hoop. Why not enjoy some water sports with my new hubby?" she said, entranced by the possibility of water sports meaning she would totally get some doggy style action in the shower while her cans heave against its steamy glass door.
At no point in her bachelorette party conversation with bridesmaid, Amanda Gunderson, did Faith even come close to expressing her desire to want flesh, only equivocating with the phrase, "I can't wait for Ed and me to be one before the Lord," which she envisions will be exactly the moment he six-shoots chowder bombs off her tight, ribbed slotbox.