by Johnny Guatemala
Oct. 23, 2007
SAN ANTONIO-- With the death of 115-year-old Brazilian Jose Fau Pantos over the weekend, America retook the title for the world's oldest living man. The new titleholder is none other than Jacob "Earl" Treacher, 113, a former bricklayer and machinist who retired in 1967. The lifelong resident of San Marcos, Texas, was honored by Mayor Arnold Hornby and given a plaque in his retirement home, along with a congratulatory ham.
by Johnny Guatemala
Oct. 12, 2007
Fellow public restroom users,
Working in an airport, there's thousands of people using the bathrooms everyday. And despite the fact that there are janitors and this isn't Abu Dhabi (where your left hand is a substitute for toilet paper), there's still an unsettling feeling when you have to drop a deuce and you suspect that the "Brotherhood of the Stationary Toilet Seat" has told its magical tale of diverse but hopeful men who all share a common thread in having traumatic bowel movements that unify them as brothers, albeit unknown to them.
by Johnny Guatemala
Sept. 16, 2007
INDIANAPOLIS-- Marty Anchorage, 28, perused his CDs after several months of not listening to any music in his collection, anxious to pull out a retro rewind that would take him back to his feel-good high school days, despite the fact he hated high school and was slipping into revisionist nostalgia after repressing a slew of hurtful memories.
by Johnny Guatemala
Sept. 4, 2007
NASHVILLE-- Local bartender P.J. Vander Zee, 27, has progressively made an ass out of himself by constantly making taboo jokes about dead celebrities, according to his friends.
"It's partly our fault, because he had some good one-liners after the whole Steve Irwin thing with the stingray and all," said Kevin Dempster.
by Johnny Guatemala
Aug. 15, 2007
MEMPHIS-- In a stunning announcement, international basketball star Pau Gasol admitted that WWE wrestling legend "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan is his father.
by Johnny Guatemala
July 29, 2007
EUGENE, OR-- In a stunning moment of clarity, Eric Avery made the best decision in his relationship with now-ex-girlfriend Stephanie Nabisco: he let the cops arrest her and pressed charges for throwing his stuff out an apartment window.
by Johnny Guatemala
July 16, 2007
BIPPUS, IN-- On a busy Saturday afternoon, Pick & Go supermarket customer Mark Comstock left his shopping cart next to the soy milk stand in the dairy section.
by Johnny Guatemala
July 9, 2007
RENO-- Local paraplegic Darren McCormick is a complete asshole that evokes no sympathy from anyone, according to tenants in his apartment complex, especially since he doesn't have motivational tales about the inherently precious value of life. Injured in a mechanical bull riding accident, McCormick, 37, has spent a dozen years confined to a wheelchair and has been unrelentingly mean-spirited ever since, according to his sister and caretaker, Jean.
by Johnny Guatemala
June 30, 2007
ATLANTA-- Emory University researchers have concluded that the long-running comic strip, Cathy, has some potentially deadly side effects aside from those caused by celebrating the distorted perceptions of suburban adult women.
by Johnny Guatemala
April 16, 2007
ST. LOUIS PARK, MN-- Brian "B-Lo" Fitzpatrick sports the clownishly worn baseball cap and undeserved sense of accomplishment one would expect from a complete wigger. But the 17-year-old actually has an ace up his sleeve, guaranteeing he won't work at the local car wash for the next seven years before graduating to aggressive mall kiosk cellphone salesman.
Fitzpatrick can ball. And by ball, we mean play chess really well.
by Johnny Guatemala
March 8, 2007
PETROLEUM IN-- Petroleum resident Monica Ade lamented Friday that her coupon offers just didn't compare to those of her rich cousin, Melanie Thurber, who resides in the somewhat ritzier Fort Wayne suburb of Huntertown with her husband Rick, a successful computer software salesman.
by Johnny Guatemala
March 1, 2007
FREDERICK MD-- California atheist Michael Newdow, who garnered media attention for his efforts to remove references to God from the Pledge of Allegiance and United States currency, has taken his ideological war to the footsteps of the Golden Arches.