by Ravi Shankar
March 3, 2006
Once upon a time (yesterday), a man of great standing with funny ears and a sheepish grin named Bush went overseas...many, many seas to the country of India. Oh, how West meets East as the Orientalist flavoring would go. The Occidental power meeting the Orientalist delight, the exotic, the "Ooohhh! So Spicy!" side of the world.
As Bush got a gentle "Namaste" from the man above who garlanded him, he went to visit the lovely land for which he wanted to forge a great union with. He met with Prime Minister Manmohan Singh over tea. Manmohan is quite the man. His name would be Manman if not for the "oh" in between. That proves one thing. Do not mess with Manmohan Singh!
Bush and Singh then had to discuss nuclear issues. What better place than at the dinner table where the nuclear family would eat?
Singh had paneer and aloo gobi. Bush had the blandest chicken tikka masala. It was so bland that the chef, Vasudev Gopal, actually sprayed water all over it before serving it to the President.
But, you've got to do what you've got to do, and you cannot burn the President of the United States's tongue! He had already instigated an Orange terror alert after eating some Lays KC Masterpiece potato chips. Think of the problems that could have occurred with the average tikka masala!
After a fine dinner, the two strong leaders ironed out the deal over dessert. The chef served kheer to the President, which of course, he had a rather sour reaction to, thinking it even less enjoyable to eat than a rice cake. Manmohan was playing hardball. He hid the jalebis under his chair, snacking on them when he felt the need to, enticing the President.
Finally, the President caved on whatever the issue was just so he could have a taste of a precious jalebi. Oh, how tasty it was! How sweet! How bad for his health! The two leaders completed their historic deal over nuclear issues, and Bush announced the hope for a strong relationship with India, or, shall we call it Hindustan? No, I guess we'll call it India.
Immediately, American legislators got scared. Making deals with India? Oh bhapre! "We shouldn't make deals with anyone or anything that is brown!" is their automatic reaction. But, Bush put his foot down, and then put his feet in motion, heading to Pakistan, the New York Yankees to India's Boston Red Sox. Or is it vice versa? Who knows? Why should we care? We're from the Occident, baby!
In the end, Bush said he was "dazzled" by India. Of course, he was dazzled. Just like Flaubert and Conrad and all the rest. But, Bush owes it to Indians. Oh, how the pundits will tell you that Bush won the election thanks to the churchgoers and the Latinos, but nay, he won thanks to the dark horse Indians. Let's face it, most of the Indians in America are doctors, and what are doctors? Conservatives. Who do doctors not like? Malpractice lawyers (John Edwards). As for the rest who are not doctors, they are probably conservatives, too, thanks to India's severely repressed society that breeds conservative thought.
Also, as a means of education, Manmohan Singh, no matter what you want to believe is not related to this man:
And so, the tale ends. West meets East. West loves East. West brings partnership to East. West will always denigrate and fear East.
Now, I must go and get a mango drink.