by Telemachus Gaffiganiakis
July 29, 2006
Johnson, the lackadaisical cubicle whore from Kellogg's Raisin Bran Crunch commercials, will be taking an indefinite leave of absence from his duties (or lack thereof) in white collar America after suffering numerous injuries after eating the cereal.
According to Dr. Gina Lacamara, Johnson suffered a chipped tooth and bleeding of the mouth after challenging himself to bite into one of the cereal's flakes without milk drenched on it. The crunch of the flake combined with the intensity of Johnson's bite led to the oral injury.
Dr. Lacamara noted other side effects. "In giving Mr. Johnson a thorough examination, we noticed that excess blood was found in his anal cavity. We've deduced that this condition must have occurred due to the rigors of violent diarrhea as a result of eating so many bowls of bran every day. Mr. Johnson may have been having a balanced breakfast, but he was certainly not having a balanced lunch or dinner."
Receptionist Rosemary Menge has said that since Johnson's departure from the office, many rumors have begun to swirl. "People are saying that he hates the food pyramid, that he's gay, that he's leaving the company to become a mime, that his sister is a crackhead, and that somebody actually slipped Frosted Flakes into his bowl rather than Raisin Bran Crunch. You know how it is, office politics. Who knows what's true and what's not?"
Johnson's annoyed fellow employee, Smith, could not be reached for comment, but Ms. Menge reports that Smith was seen disturbingly humping Johnson's desk to the tune of Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" after hearing of Johnson's injury.
The company Johnson works for provides full medical benefits, so we won't see him crying about any bills any time soon. Johnson could not speak as a result of the injury not because he continued to chew on Raisin Bran Crunch in the hospital, but because he was gargling on his own blood.