by Telemachus Gaffiganiakis
Aug. 27, 2007
The National Association of Comedy and Humor-Oriented Matters (NACHUM) announced yesterday that jokes about Maury Povich and his television show, Maury, are now banned. No person, through stand-up, sketch, or even normal every day conversation is allowed to reference the man and his talk show in a comedic manner.
“The show has become a joke in itself and comedy related to it has become so overdone that it is mind numbing,” said NACHUM president Benjamin Mills. “Since the show’s paternity test slant, I haven’t heard the last of baby mama jokes and sleight of hands in which Maury becomes an integral part of the joke. For example, here’s a joke from a show at a Baltimore open mic: ‘My girlfriend and I are both entertainers. We both told each other we’d make it on TV one day, and then we did…on Maury!’ You can imagine the amount of boos that guy got.”
Established comedians applauded the decision of NACHUM. “Thank god,” said longtime stand-up comedian Richard Lewis after the announcement. “How hacky had Povich material gotten? It was ridiculous. It got to the point where I had relatives suggesting I should bring a picture of a kid up on stage next to a picture of me for laughs. Give me a break! Now, let me reference something much more pertinent and clever than Maury: I want a Boku!”
This would have been a clever caption about Maury.
Amateur comedians felt mixed about the decision. Williamsburg sketch comedian Ginnie Kirian lamented the NACHUM announcement. “Our sketch group, The Colonial Crazies, have a wonderful bit about what would happen if Maury existed during the quaint old days of Colonial Williamsburg. It has left many a Williamsburg resident or a tourist bored with Busch Gardens rolling on the floor.” On the other end of the spectrum, Houston stand-up comic Big Horny accepted the choice, “NACHUM is basically calling me a hack, and by this point, I know it. All I do is stuff about Maury, the Macarena, and fat jokes I stole from Louie Anderson. I have seen the error of my ways and will now devote myself to my full-time job and accept that all I can accomplish through life is to be the best damn mattress salesman I can possibly be!”
San Diego comedian Davis Krieg learned things the hard way. “I did a bit about Maury. It wasn’t even about paternity tests. It was about boot camp. Once that bottle of Killian’s flew from the audience and hit my head, wow, you can’t imagine. Eleven stitches later, and I’ll never perform that joke again, not so much because it was terrible, but because I have no health insurance since I’m a comedian. I can’t afford beaten to death material in my act.”
NACHUM is taking a break from pressing matters for a week. When they return, the association will discuss whether to invoke similar bans on the show Cheaters, the Paris Hilton sex tape, George W. Bush’s presidential election results, and the film Brokeback Mountain. “It’s really going to be a sad day when we have to actually consider banning Brokeback Mountain jokes. Yes, they’re cowboys, they’re gay. It’s all there for the taking, but how can you still be writing jokes about it two years after the fact?” asked Mills. “And you wonder why so many talented comedians die so young? It’s a tough job, but somebody has to weed out all this supposed humor or we’re all going to lose our minds.”