by Telemachus Gaffiganiakis
Sept. 21, 2007
FAYETTEVILLE, AR-- Fayetteville Recreation's "Hail Mary" flag football league has been rocked by controversy after one of its players, wide receiver Kirk Darkleroad, was implicated after the raid of a laboratory in Florida that supplied human growth hormone to various athletes. According to documents, Darkleroad received shipments of HGH in both 2005 and 2006 before retiring from the league. In lieu of the discovery, and with the 2007 season set to begin tomorrow, the Fayetteville Recreation Center stripped Darkleroad's team, the defending champion "Endzone Hospitality" of the team's only titles from 2005 and 2006.
The "Hail Mary" flag football league has been in existence since 1997. "Endzone Hospitality" joined the league in 1999, and was at best a mediocre team through its first few years as a part of the league. Darkleroad, who had moved from Texas, joined the team in 2004, with "Endzone Hospitality" finishing the season at a respectable 8-4, losing in the second round of the playoffs. In the following two years, the team lost only one regular season game after amassing a 29-1 record on the way to two titles. Darkleroad's statistics skyrocketed from a 5 touchdown 2004 season to 15 in 2005 and 21 in 2006 with him earning MVP honors in the latter season.
"We can't allow cheating of any kind to exist in any of our leagues," said Fayetteville Recreation Director Dallas Williams. "For the time being, we will allow Endzone Hospitality to continue with their 2007 season, but we are investigating this matter and examining all players in this league." Asked about the league's drug testing policy, Williams responded tersely and gave the same answer the government did about Hurricane Katrina, "I don't think we have proper funding for that, plus we didn't see this coming."
"Obviously, this is unfortunate and we have already begun appeal proceedings," said Wes Blanton, captain of "Endzone Hospitality" since 2001. "I can't comment on the matter much, except to say that we will fight this and are looking forward to starting off the 2007 season in the same way that we ended last season."
Darkleroad refused to comment, but opponents had no problem commenting on the matter. "There was always something fishy about Kirk," said "Kathy's Cafe" co-captain Dennis Bagley. "His body, his speed, his stats just shot up. I never liked his attitude, either. I don't believe that's a side effect of HGH. He's probably on steroids, too. That explains the attitude. He probably has small testicles, too. What a douche."
"It's a great thing to hear," said "All-Star Ballers" cornerback Gary Wallace. "We finished 1-11 last season. Since Endzone Hospitality was stripped of its title, we went from finishing last place last year to finishing 11th!"
Conspiracy theorists have also had their fair share to say. "I think the whole team was on HGH," said Maggie Finch, a "Hail Mary" league groupie. "I slept with a few of the Endzone Hospitality guys and their bodies certainly changed over a few years. How can you go from 8-4 to dominant league champs over a season? One guy can't just do that. They probably stole signals, too. They'd always 'videotape' the game. Whatever." Asked if she slept with Darkleroad, Finch said, "No, but Wes Blanton gave me chlamydia."
Concerned Pee-Wee league parent Diane Kern commented, "What does this kind of thing teach our children? Our children--who will grow up to play high school football, then go off to college, then come back home to play in the recreation center's flag football league. What does this kind of thing teach them?"
Investigations on the matter will proceed with the possibility of suspension or even explusion from the league for Endzone Hospitality. "There's certainly a dark cloud hanging over the 'Hail Mary' league this season," concluded Dallas Williams.
Kirk Darkleroad eludes an All-Star Ballers player in a 2004 game while Gary Wallace laughs from the sideline.