by Telemachus Gaffiganiakis
Sept. 22, 2006
SAGINAW, MI-Brent Caftan, 15, was sent to the hospital yesterday after suffering a seizure while watching The All-American Rejects video, “Move Along,” on Yahoo! Music. Caftan was not prone to seizure spells, and only suffered one previously while watching an episode of The Montel Williams Show with his mother after school when he was 11.
Dr. Phillip Nordstrom of the hospital closest to Saginaw said, “Brent did indeed suffer a seizure, but it was something that happens. He will be treated appropriately, and will be fine. He will be released soon.” Like most people in the medical industry, Dr. Nordstrom was vague, somewhat incoherent, signed his name illegibly, and only cared about the money rolling in.
Experts suspect that Caftan suffered the seizure because of the fast-paced editing of the film. During one part of the video, lead singer Tyson Ritter’s face in close-up cuts from scene-to-scene at a rapid pace. The head bobbing nature of the song’s rhythm as well could have attributed to Caftan’s seizure. “It’s the kind of song that can jumpstart a dead car battery,” said Felicia Coates, a 24 year-old pregnant woman at the hospital who saw Caftan whisk by.
“It’s weird,” said Craig Caftan, Brent’s father. “Brent has watched that video so many times. Why now did he get a seizure? The poor little bastard.” At that point, I wasn’t sure whether to be more shocked by Brent’s seizure or the fact that his father referred to him as a bastard. You’re mommy’s good little bastard, aren’t you?
Other reports have claimed that the intensity of “Move Along” caused another teenager’s video iPod to randomly self-destruct. These claims have been dispelled as rumors with little factual evidence.
An assistant to the spokesperson of The All-American Rejects claimed that the band felt badly for Caftan and would most likely present him with free tickets to their next concert in the Saginaw area as well as donating money to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and adopting a baby from some Far Eastern country they had never heard of because “those are the ‘in’ things to do right now in Hollywood.”