by Telemachus Gaffiganiakis
Dec. 17, 2006
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) alleged in a statement yesterday that recent E.Coli outbreaks in a wide variety of fresh vegetables are actually the responsibility of the beef industry. The statement, written by spokesperson Helen Crispus states that, "We have astounding evidence that important individuals with a lot of stake in the beef industry (no pun intended) purposefully contaminated large amounts of fresh vegetables that were distributed throughout the country."
Over the past few months, E.Coli outbreaks have been found in bagged fresh spinach and bagged salads. However, attention has reached its highest in recent days as reported E.Coli incidents have occurred in Taco Bell restaurants, and the suspect vegetable in the case has changed from green onions to white onions to lettuce. Many are unaware as to why these outbreaks have sprung up as of late, however most are debunking the claims of PETA.
"What PETA is saying is quite prepostorous," says food analyst Horatio K. Pinoretto. "They have not presented any real evidence. It's just another attempt to draw attention to their bias and their hopeless cause."
However, Crispus was quite frank in her discussion of the matter. "Let's face it. The meat industries just love money. They are desperate to do anything to make more and more money. What else than spreading disease and famine amongst the vegetable population? We've been doing polls, and as a result, this is the highest we have ever seen people in being anti-vegetable. This is a sad time for PETA, but we will endure it, and we will fight back at the beef industry, who I feel is directly responsible for this."
Dr. Dana Pellum had no comment on the PETA allegations but did state that a number of her patients had been asking her about E.Coli and about the consumption of fresh vegetables. "I'm very worried about people becoming anti-vegetable. Their days will be composed of sausages for breakfast, hamburgers for lunch, steak for dinner, meat loaf for dessert, and prime rib as a midnight snack. I am concerned about the level of heart disease that might occur as a result of these outbreaks."
However, Us Weekly's Kara Kieran suspects PETA's allegations have developed from something quite different. "I think Pamela Anderson's divorce from Kid Rock is directly affecting the PETA organization as a whole. They're completely off course since she's certainly going through some emotions at the time, and now they are focusing on this E.Coli issue and turning away from their fine work throwing paint on Beyonce's fur coats and posting up billboards about how milk caused Rudy Giuliani's prostate cancer and his combover. Pamela is their biggest celebrity supporter. I don't know any other celebrity so closely affiliated with PETA. Well, maybe Ben Affleck, but he's connected to everything. Hell, the guy donated money to Dennis Kucinich's presidential campaign. Dennis Kucinich! He might as well have just wiped his ass with that check."
The beef industry firmly denied PETA's allegations and also commented that, "While we say 'Beef. It's what's for dinner,' we'd really love for you to eat it any time of day with a healthy dosage of fruit, milkshakes, chocolates, and other enjoyable delicacies that are not green."